I've spent a lot of time during this long weekend reflecting on this past year. In just a few days, it will have been one year since my world was flipped upside down.
Memorial Day last year...I spent it with my husband and my gym doing the hero workout, Murph (1 mile run, 100 pull-ups, 200 push-ups, 300 air squats, 1 mile run), then hosting a pool party at our house. It was a successful weekend...one that I remember with happiness.
But I also remember it with some sadness. Because just a few days after the party, I got a phone call that would forever change the trajectory of my life. And some news that would forever sully that Memorial Day weekend.
I mean, when you get a phone call from your husband and the first words out of his mouth are, "We need to talk," you know you're in for a bad day.
This year, Memorial Day weekend. Same workout in Murph, same gym family, but totally different circumstances. I am currently going through a divorce. My soon to be ex-husband is in prison in New Jersey. And I no longer live in a beautiful home with a pool to enjoy after the workout.
Yes, this past year has been one I will never forget. I had so many ups and so many downs. And I have so many moments I'll never actually remember. In fact, most of last summer was a blur.
But it's also a year that I will cherish forever. It is one that I didn't think I would survive. That I didn't know how I would survive...how I possibly could survive.
One evening you go to bed next to your husband, three kiddos asleep in the house. The next afternoon, you get a phone call that your husband has been arrested and won't be coming home for the weekend. And as much as we hoped it would be different, he never came home. He spent the rest of 2017 in a jail, and has since been moved to a prison in New Jersey.
I struggled a lot last year...trying to figure out how I felt, if I was going to stay and support him, if I could ever feel the same about him. There is so much that happened, that went on inside of me, that I had to deal with...that I NEVER thought I would come to terms with.
I lost a lot of friends. But I gained a whole bunch of new ones. I grew closer to people I was only acquaintances with previously. And I don't even speak to some of the people I was insanely close with beforehand.
But something like this? Well, it changes you. And it changes relationships with people.
Everyone said they understood and they were amazing. They were there. They let me talk about it. But nobody could even begin to understand what exactly I was going through. What exactly had happened. The emotions. The every day life. The ups and downs.
One minute I would be fine. And the next I would be bent over in tears, barely able to breathe.
And I learned so much about myself. I learned how strong I was. How much I could handle and still move forward. I learned I could still get up every day, put one foot in front of the other, no matter how dismal everything looked. I learned what I wanted in a relationship. And I learned what I would absolutely NOT tolerate. At all.
I've also changed. How could I not? I'll be honest...my BS level is incredibly low. I don't put up with as much as I used to. And while I'm still incredibly giving, I've also learned to put myself first. I have to. I won't survive if I don't.
But the number one thing I learned is that it's not the mountain...or the situation I'm in...that I have to conquer. It's myself. I couldn't allow myself to be negative...or at least to stay in that place very long. I couldn't allow myself to feel sorry for myself...or at least for very long. Yes, I've had my moments...specifically asking "Why me?" But I focused more on what I could get out of this situation. How could I stay positive? How could I help the kids stay positive? How could I help them, period?
And I'd like to think I did a really good job of focusing on the positives. Because let's be real, there aren't a whole lot in a situation like this. But I've made it this far. I've made it a year.
I'm a different person than I was a year ago. I'm better. Stronger. Braver. I trust in God so much more than I did. I believe in myself. I've found some amazing people to surround myself with. And I'm allowing myself to feel again. To dream again. To focus on my future and what I want out of it.
So remember, as you go through terrible situations, don't allow yourself to stay in the negative places, to feel sorry for yourself for too long. Keep moving forward, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Be strong. Conquer YOURSELF and you will conquer anything.
I hope you all had an amazing weekend. Thank you for your continued love and support!
With love and wellness,