I've struggled with my decision to write this post. I've struggled with how much of it to share...or even if I should share at all. Not many people know this part of my story, but I think it's time for me to share and be open, just as I have been throughout my journey.
You see, all of us are guilty of sharing only the good parts of our story. The loving, happy parts of our story. But behind the scenes, there are always the not so good parts. The sad parts. The I've cried my eyes out for hours part.
Before I met Nick, I had come to terms with not having any children. I thought it was my destiny to be an aunt and a god-mother and a step-mother, but I had learned to be okay with not having my own children.
I don't know how, after wanting kids my whole life, I was okay with it. But I was.
Until Nick and I got pregnant in June 2018.
It was a complete surprise. An accident. Something neither of us were expecting. I was excited and nervous and scared. How the heck were we going to get through that?
But I was ready. Or at least I thought I was. As ready as I could be, anyhow.
We found out pretty early on as my cycles are very regular. So I wasn't that far along when I started bleeding a few days after the positive pregnancy test. I didn't know what else to do so we went to the ER. And when we found out it was, in fact, a miscarriage, I started crying and realized just how much I wanted that baby. My own baby...with Nick.
I know it was early on, but that still hit me pretty hard. But I also knew that wasn't the best time for either of us. We weren't yet living together, I was still going through my divorce, and I was super stressed with my living situation and trying to figure out how to make ends meet. I know everything happens for a reason, but I was still sad at losing the possibility of our first baby together.
By this point, Nick and I knew we wanted to be together...to have a family together. But we decided we weren't going to try, accidentally or on purpose, to have another baby until after my divorce was finalized and he and I were married.
But...best laid plans.
I found out I was pregnant again in September. Again, another complete surprise. Not trying, but we are apparently very good at getting pregnant.
And again, not the best timing, but I was ready. I was STILL going through my divorce, I didn't have health insurance, and Nick and I were (obviously) not married. But I was insanely happy.
I thought things were fine. I had the normal symptoms, was doing alright...everything was going well.
Until mid-November. I started bleeding. Again.
Another trip to the ER because it was progressively getting worse. I wasn't in pain, but I knew something was wrong.
After the ultrasound, we got devastating news. I was supposed to be around 12 weeks, but my uterus was measuring at 7 weeks. And there was no heartbeat...and no baby. There wasn't anything. It was, once again, devastating news. How could my body betray me like that? I'd looked, felt, thought I was pregnant for two months at that point!
So I decided to do some research, because that's how I am. I wanted to know what had happened, even if there wasn't an actual answer.
When a pregnancy ends with nothing in the uterus, is it called a blighted ovum. It's when the egg doesn't attach itself to the uterus. There was something wrong so the body rejects the pregnancy. It was difficult to deal with, but I came to terms with it because we hadn't lost an actual baby...just the thought of a baby. I know it may sound weird, but that's how I thought of it. How I learned to be okay with it.
The actual miscarriage part of it was terrible. It's not anything I'd ever like to go through again. Or wish upon anyone else. And I've spent more time in an ER because of these things than I'd ever like to again. It took longer than I care to admit to get everything out and to be cleared from a doctor.
In January, after Nick and I got married, we decided we were going to actively try.
It turns out, we have no issue getting pregnant. That part seems to come really easy for us. I found out, once again really early, that I was pregnant. But it didn't last long. I started bleeding a few days later.
At this point, I knew there was something going on with me. I mean, I'm no spring chicken. And I've never tried or accidentally been pregnant before. So all of this is a new experience for me.
So yes, we are seeing a doctor so we can figure out what is happening. And how Nick and I can have our family.
A few of my friends and family know about this. And like I said at the beginning, I struggled with deciding to share. But I shouldn't be embarrassed about having miscarriages. It isn't something I did or didn't do. And it's something we don't often talk about. We deal with...or try to deal with it...on our own. We think we're the only ones going through it. But it's so much more common than we know.
I'm excited for this next part of Nick and I's journey. I've decided to not be scared, because God has it in His control. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen. And my anxiety or fear isn't going to change that. So I pray. And I release all of my fears to God.
I'll keep you all updated throughout my journey as I hope it one day helps someone else going through something similar. Know you're not alone. And it's okay to grieve and feel loss...because it is a loss.
I love you all and am so thankful for all your support throughout my journey. Have a beautiful week.
With love and wellness,