Last week marked one month. One month since we said goodbye to Kynsleigh and hello to being angel parents.
Honestly, it snuck up on me. I didn't realize it until I received an email from the perinatal bereavement nurse at Sentara sharing their June Circle of Love Memorial video.
This was something I had known about, but had forgotten in the craziness of the past couple weeks. It's something the hospital does monthly to celebrate the babies taken from us way too soon. Normally, the parents are able to be there in person, but with everything going on, they did it via video this month.
I teared up even just opening the email to read. I knew what the video meant and then it clicked that it had been one month. All of the emotions hit at once.
Nick and I sat at our kitchen table to watch it together. I started crying almost as soon as the video started. It still doesn't seem fair that she's no longer here, in my belly, kicking me and keeping me up at night. But I keep telling myself there's a bigger purpose for it all. Even if I don't know what it is yet.
One of the parts of the video that stood out for me was a story of a dragonfly. How they evolve and change and can no longer go back to their friends to show them their transformation. And that even though they can't go back and see their friends, it doesn't mean they no longer exist. Which is the same for our babies we've lost. We can no longer see them or touch them or feel them, but that doesn't mean they no longer exist.
Kynsleigh will always be a part of me. I carried her for every second of her life, and I will love her for every second of mine (thank you to my friend Hannah for that sign!).
We watched this video on Tuesday last week. On Wednesday morning while I was coaching, a beautiful butterfly was hanging around the gym. And not much longer after seeing it, I saw a dragonfly. It was on the whiteboard where I was standing and coaching. It stopped me for a moment, remembering the video and seeing this beautiful dragonfly. It brought peace and happiness to my heart that morning.
I'd forgotten about it until Friday morning, when the same thing happened again. Another dragonfly hanging out on the whiteboard. I've talked to Kynsleigh a lot over the last month, but this was the first time I'd felt her presence.
I will never view dragonflies the same way ever again. They will always be my sweet Kynsleigh, letting me know she's always with me.
Also, I'd never seen dragonflies at the gym before these two days. It further confirmed it was my sweet girl. I didn't know I needed that, but I'm so glad it happened. And of course, I texted Nick right away to let him know about it, both times. I think we both needed it.
I know I won't always be in this place...that I won't always feel like this. But for now, it's where I am. And I'm embracing it.
I miss Kynsleigh. I'll always miss her. And I'll always love her. And talk about her. She'll always be my first daughter, my first baby. And she'll always be Kai's little sister in heaven.
So, here's to seeing many more dragonflies over the years and always missing a small piece of my heart.
I hope y'all have an amazing week. And if you're missing someone who is no longer with us, always remember they're always with you. Look for the signs...they're always there.
With love and wellness,