It was another hard week on the home front. We went into it hopeful and with lots of prayers for a miracle for our sweet girl. As hard as it was, I stayed positive as best I could. I mean, we'd made it through the first trimester...and that, my friends, has never happened for me before.
I also did a ton of research. Because, as y'all know, that is my thing. I have to KNOW. I googled all of the diagnoses and tried to understand them. To see if there was hope for all of the things going on with Kynsleigh.
I also learned a lot about congenital heart defects (CHD) and just how common it is. I met some pretty amazing CHD moms who went out of their way to help me...someone they'd only just met. The CHD community is one I've never experienced before. Shoot, I didn't know they even existed. But they stepped up. So much. In a time I didn't know I needed it.
They gave me hope. Although I was still cautious, they gave me hope that all was not lost. I could see there were possibilities. It would be a difficult journey, but we had possibilities.
I also knew that as long as Kynsleigh's heart was still beating, there was no way I could give up. There was no way I could elect to have a D&C, no matter how grim it looked.
So we went into our next appointment hopeful. She still had a heartbeat as of Thursday, but it was a quick ultrasound. Our doctor told us there may be things they could do if we could get to 28-30 weeks with her. Mind you, we were only at 16 weeks, so we had a long way to go. But it was a long way off from "decide to have a D&C or..." It was a little more hope than we'd had the week before.
I also asked if we would be able to get a second opinion from a pediatric cardiologist. Someone who actually deals with CHD and all that goes along with it. Somehow, they managed to get me in the very next day. I was scheduled to have a fetal echocardiogram so we could see exactly what was going on.
It made me nervous all over again.
I thought we'd get all the answers...that we'd have a way to move forward. However, those dreaded words that you never want to hear came out of the doc's mouth..."There's no heartbeat today."
We knew this was a possibility. We were cautiously hopeful. But we also knew things didn't look good for her. The doctor told me that her defects were so severe that they weren't compatible with life. As hard as it is for us, she is no longer suffering. She's no longer struggling to have her heart beat, to have blood circulating through her body.
There's no way to ever be okay with something like this. We've lost our baby girl. Our miracle baby. And we're currently waiting for what the next steps are. I'm hoping I get to say goodbye to her...that I get to hold her and say goodbye. We shall see what happens.
The biggest thing for me is that she isn't suffering. She won't suffer after she's born. Her short little life won't be riddled with surgeries.
But it's hard for us. We miss her already. We miss the plans we had for her and our family. But we know she's in a better place. She'll forever be our baby girl. And we'll love her forever.
As hard as it is, I know better days are coming. I don't have to be happy every day to stay positive. We'll get through this together, just as we always do. And we trust that God has a much greater plan for us than we can even imagine.
Our loss is great, but God is greater. We just watched a movie where I heard this, and it's so fitting right now. I need that reminder daily.
Just remember, staying positive doesn't mean you always have to be happy. You're allowed to have bad days but still know that better days are coming. Keep your head up, my friends. There are better days ahead.
I love y'all. Have a fantastic week!
With love and wellness,