Sometimes everything in life is pointing you in one direction. But you don't see it until it becomes obvious. Sometimes painstakingly so.
My life has been heading in one particular direction for a long time. And I haven't necessarily fought it, but I haven't necessarily embraced it either.
I used to be afraid to listen to what life was telling me. Where it was leading me. I used to be afraid to be vocal about it, about my beliefs.
But not anymore.
On my way to Salt Lake City last week, I read a book called "The Shack," by William Paul Young. It was one I pulled from the bookshelf late the night before I left just to have a couple different options to read. It was one of Scott's books, unpacked and forgotten about in the hectic-ness of life.
I read it all in the first four hours of my trip...I couldn't put the book down. I laughed. I cried...a lot. And I had my eyes opened like they haven't been in a long while.
It seems that has happened to me a lot lately. I have been drawn to certain books and haven't been able to put them down. And they've touched me in such a profound way that I can't help but share it.
This book...I can't even explain it. It opened my eyes to where life has been leading me for awhile now. A life filled with love and peace and relationships....relationships with my fiancé and his children, my mother and father, as well as my brother, and most importantly, a relationship with God. Specifically, a deeper relationship with God.
I readily admit I am a sinner. I am full of judgment and often think I am above or better than others. I hate to say that, but sometimes saying it (or typing it) aloud helps release us from those bonds.
I am no better than anyone else...but I am loved and cherished like everyone else. God loves us all...equally, with grace and purity, and without expectations. How amazing would that be if we could all love one another like that?
I think of my relationships with my friends and family, with Scott, with God...especially with God. And I know I've had very high expectations of them all. And I also know that I have been disappointed time and again when those expectations were not met.
But where do those expectations come from? Is it something I think I deserve? Are they self-imposed by my beliefs and feelings and what I'm hoping to get? Where do they come from?
These are questions I've had for many years, but never really had the nerve to talk about or try to handle/deal with. But I now know that relationships, without expectations, are the most important thing in life. And everything has been leading me here. To be able (to try) to better understand this and apply it.
So here I am, admitting I was wrong.
I apologize to all the ex-boyfriends I fought with, picked apart, tried to make better.
I apologize to old friends (and new ones) for the petty arguments, the mistakes, the judgments.
I apologize to my mom and dad for thinking I knew best, that I was always right, and that all my problems stemmed from you (they didn't, I know that).
I apologize to you, Scott...for the jealousy that tore us apart the first time we dated. For the fights and the arguments and the drama.
And I apologize to all of you for the expectations I put on our relationships. For imposing my beliefs on our relationships and not enjoying them for exactly what they are.
I love you all. I am blessed to have each of you in my life. And I look forward to enjoying our relationships, without any expectations on my part.
I may not be perfect and I may make mistakes along the way, but I am blessed to have been lead to this point. And to have finally heard God speaking to me.
I don't want God as a small part of my life during my daily prayers or bible studies or on Sunday at church...I want God as the center of my life, all the time.
Everything has lead me here...to this point. And I'm proud to admit that. I want to work at all my relationships...to forgive, and to love without expectations, and to find joy, even when things look dark, and to be at peace knowing I am not perfect, and to stop expecting perfection from others.
I don't know what your journey looks like, but I know God has you exactly where you need to be. Learn to listen to the signs. Learn to hear what He is telling you. It took me a long time to be open to it, but I am finally seeing and hearing and feeling what He is saying...and the peace it brings is amazing.
There is no other way to explain it.
Let me know how I can help you learn to hear where you are being led. It took a lot of trial and error, and it took something this book said for me to finally understand it....it may take 47 times of faults and not believing or hearing, but each of those first 46 times makes God smile...because He knows you are one step closer to that 47th time!
What an amazing blessing. To know God loves us without expectations...and to know that He still smiles, even when we don't believe or trust Him, however long it takes for us to get there.
I hope you have a beautifully blessed week! Enjoy every day that God has given you.
With love and wellness,