Miscarriage changes you. Who you are. What you think and feel. How you perceive pregnancy. How you react to any pregnancies following those miscarriages. It steals the joy out of any pregnancies that follow.
It just changes you. Period.
I should be roughly 11 weeks pregnant this week. But, once again, I have had a miscarriage. I don’t know why this keeps happening, but I know that each one has taken a piece of my heart that I’ll never get back.
I wanted to be excited about this pregnancy. I believed it was going to be different. I truly did.
But I couldn’t get excited about it. I was cautious. And weary. And so nervous for it.
But everything looked great at the 6 week appointment, so I allowed a shimmer of hope. Baby was growing on track and we had a nice, strong heartbeat. I still had terrible symptoms, which I was happy to have! I relished feeling sick! I took it as a good sign.
The next week still looked good, although the heartbeat was lower than the doc would have liked. At this point, I started to get more nervous.
For you see, we’ve been there before. In May, this was the start of our miscarriage.
But I tried to stay positive and hope for the best. I knew it could just be a blip in the growth of our baby. So I kept busy and just waited for the next appointment.
This one didn’t make me feel any better. The baby hadn’t grown at all and the heartbeat was even lower.
Let me tell you, it’s so disheartening to go to an appointment, hoping to hear the thump thump thump of your baby and hearing a tiny little thump *long pause* thump *long pause* thump.
My heart sank. I wanted to hope for the best but I didn’t think our little baby could (or would) survive. It was another long, excruciating week waiting for the next ultrasound.
When we were told that our baby didn’t have a heartbeat, it was more like a confirmation of what I already knew. What my heart already knew. I so badly wanted a different outcome, but we don’t always get what we want, unfortunately.
It’s one of the most heartbreaking, gut wrenching things I’ve ever been through. We basically watched our baby die over a series of weekly ultrasounds.
One week there’s a strong heartbeat. The next it's slower. The next it’s even slower. And then nothing. And there’s literally nothing you can do about it. You just get to sit back and watch.
And while I know I did nothing wrong, I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with me. What is wrong with my body. Why I can’t get past the 7th week of pregnancy.
Am I not good enough? Am I not worthy of being a mom?
What can I do differently next time? Do I even want there to be a next time? Will it ever happen for me?
This is now the 4th miscarriage we’ve had. And they never get easier. Each one just breaks your heart a little more. And I just feel sad. So very sad.
I share this because there’s so many of us who have gone through this. Who don’t know how to explain how it makes you feel. Who don’t know how to talk about it.
I’ll be honest though, we’ll never really be able to explain exactly how we feel. Ever.
I hope to one day write about a successful pregnancy, but for now, I’m going to recover and heal from this.
Have a beautiful week. And hug your babies a little closer for me.
With love and wellness,
PS - yes, I have a plan moving forward. I've done a lot of research and have some things I want to talk to my doc about and get tested for. It's a process, but one I need to go through. I want answers, and I plan on getting them, one way or another.