Having a miscarriage is incredibly difficult. Not just physically because of what your body goes through with the hormones and then the expelling of everything, but it is emotionally one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.
It's losing someone you've never met, but you've loved with your whole heart. It's not having someone to touch or bury or have any semblance of peace over losing. And when you think you're okay, it hits you like a ton of bricks that you aren't, in fact, okay.
It's a pregnancy announcement. It's an announcement of a new baby born. It's the unfortunate announcement that someone else has had a miscarriage. It's any of these things on TV shows you watch. Any and all of these bring it all back. The pain. The tears. The heartbreak. The sorrow. The loss.
I doubt it will ever get easier. I doubt the tears will ever stop. Because we've lost 4 babies. Four babies that aren't with us, but watching over us. And sometimes it brings me to my knees in pain and tears. And there will never be enough words to describe exactly how it feels.
It's also one of the loneliest things I've ever gone through. It's hard for me to ask for help, especially when it's been months since it's happened. It's also hard admitting that I'm sad, that I'm not okay, that the world isn't a happy place for me right now.
It's also difficult not knowing if or when it will ever happen. Yes, I'm staying positive. I can picture myself pregnant. I pray and have faith that it will happen. But it's one of the hardest things not knowing. I do my best to not stress over it, but it can be all consuming. It's hard to NOT think about it.
I know I'll be okay. I know everything will be okay. We'll have our baby. But it's so hard waiting and being patient and not knowing.
But for now, I'll embrace the grief. I'll ride the waves as they come. Sometimes I'll be fine, and sometimes I'll be down. And it will be okay.
For any of you going through something similar, know that you aren't alone. And it's okay to feel this way. To have the ups and downs. To be happy and then to be sad. And it's okay to ask for help. Also, I am here if you need someone to talk to.
I love y'all. And I'm thankful for you being a part of our journey.
Have a beautiful week!
With love and wellness,