Four months ago...

​Four months ago, I got a phone call that changed my life trajectory forever. Let me lay it out for you.
 
June 2. 4 p.m. I had just picked up two of the kids from school and was heading to get gas and our third child. My phone rings with an unidentified 757 number. I don’t think anything of it and answer.
 
It’s my husband. And his first words to me are, “We have to talk.”
 
My heart sank.
 
I had no idea what his next words would be, but nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. I’m pretty sure I was in shock because I don’t remember much of that 10-minute conversation, but I know it completely changed everything I had thought about my marriage and relationship with Scott.
 
That first weekend was full of questions and doubts and wondering what the heck had just happened. I don’t think I fully understood how terrible it was until Tuesday, when it made it in the news and it was time for his first court appearance.
 
I went through every emotion possible. Anger. Shock. Sadness. Fear. Pure rage. There were points I was shaking with rage; in one instance, I would be mad while the next would be full of tears and pure sadness. It was a roller coaster of emotions. A terrible roller coaster.
 
Here’s what I can tell you as I won’t get into a whole lot of detail of the specifics of the case (the news has done a fabulous job of telling the awful details while also leaving out some pertinent facts, but it is what it is). There is so much more than the news reported, but people make their judgments (about him and me) without even asking me about it.
 
So here it is…
 
You can sit back and tell me what you would do in this situation, but I can 100% guarantee you have no idea what you would actually do. Because let’s be real…there is no part of me that would have ever imagined this would be happening to me. And I can tell you that I had ZERO preparation or knowledge of the “right” steps. Are there really right steps in a situation like this?
 
Let me put it this way. He was my husband. We had only been married 8 months when I got this phone call. I had pledged my life to him; vowed to be with him until death do us part, in good times and bad, in sickness and health. And I had no clue he had this dark side.
 
Over the course of the summer, my feelings and emotions changed daily. Really, oftentimes hourly. People would ask me how I was doing and I honestly couldn’t answer. How was I supposed to be doing? But I kept on moving forward, because I had to. I needed to.
 
So here we are. Four months into this living nightmare. I am learning to forgive. Learning to release my anger. Yes, I’ve been in counseling. Yes, I have support. Thank goodness for it, because I know I wouldn’t have been able to go through this alone.
 
And yes, everything has changed. My feelings. My thoughts. My marriage. Nothing will ever be the same. And truthfully, I’m thankful for that.
 
I’m stronger. I’m resilient. What I am not is a victim. I didn’t sit back, nor will I, and play the “woe is me” game.
 
Crap happens. Every day. What will make or break you is how you handle that crap. I know I haven’t handled it perfectly, but I am working on making the best of this situation. And I’m working on making the best of it for me. Because that’s all I can control right now.
 
Life as I know it has completely changed. But it’s also opened my eyes to who I am, who I want to be, and what I want (and don’t want) in my life.
 
Now it’s time to move onward and upward. It’s time for me to make some necessary changes and start healing.
 
So here we go.
 
I hope y’all have a fabulous week.
 
With love and wellness,
Whitney