So this time last year, Nick and I were celebrating our engagement. He brought me to his family's Thanksgiving in Richmond and shocked the heck out of me by proposing in front of his whole family.
Yes, his whole family.
With our second Thanksgiving together having just passed (we always do it the Sunday before Thanksgiving), it brings up a lot of memories from last year. The good, the bad, and the ones I rarely talk about.
For you see, we weren't just celebrating our engagement. We were also mourning our loss.
The Wednesday before, I started bleeding. I was 12 weeks pregnant...or should have been. A trip to the ER confirmed my suspicions. I was having a miscarriage. It was our 2nd one, but our first that had lasted several weeks (the first was very early...I never even made it to the doc for that one).
I left the ER knowing the miscarriage was coming; I just didn't know when.
Cue the morning of November 18, around 2am or so. I woke up to severe pain and cramping and blood like you wouldn't believe. It was never ending. I had taken some ibuprofen, but nothing was even coming close to alleviating the pain.
After about an hour of this, maybe 90 minutes (that night/morning is a blur to me), Nick decided to take me to the ER. We knew what was happening, but were scared about excessive blood loss. It was a lot. They re-confirmed the miscarriage and were not the greatest at helping me alleviate the pain. The ER doc told me there was nothing she could do, that I would just have to "go through it."
I was in so much pain, but not so much that I lost my brain. I mean, I'm not a moron. I looked her dead in the face and said, "I know that. But I have a family event later today and I'd like to NOT be in severe pain through the entire thing."
I mean, duh. Even the IV pain medication she was giving me wasn't lasting! After about 40 minutes, the pain was back.
She FINALLY prescribed me a pain medication, which, of course, we then had to find a pharmacy that was open to drop it off and get it filled. That meant a couple more hours without pain medication...it was still early morning so not much was open.
I immediately took one of the pills as soon as the prescription was filled. However, it didn't immediately kick in. We got back to the hotel and Nick wanted to eat. I tried sitting inside with him, but I started sweating something fierce from the pain. I couldn't take it any longer.
I went out front and sat on a bench with my head in between my knees, sweat pouring off me. It was FREEZING that morning, but I couldn't stop sweating. The pain was so intense...getting everything out of me was one of the worst things I've ever experienced.
Nick finished his breakfast just as his family came downstairs for breakfast. He and I went back to the room and laid down at about 9am that morning. Because the pain medicine had finally kicked in, I passed out. I had no energy left to do much else.
So needless to say, when we got to Nick's family's Thanksgiving, I was drained, exhausted, and high on pain meds. And I had no idea he had this elaborate plan to ask me to be his wife.
We had just been through something so terrible. The two of us. He was right by my side the entire time. He never once left me, never once complained, never once made me feel alone. He did everything he could to make me feel comfortable, even when I was miserable.
There wasn't a doubt in my mind the answer was yes when he asked. Even drugged up!
I'll admit though, it took me a few seconds to figure out what he was doing. I was sitting visiting with everyone when he thanked his uncle for inviting us, shaking his hand. He then turned to me, took my hand and stood me up. I was so confused as to why he pulled me in front of everyone and was thanking me for coming. I kept looking at him and then his nana sitting to the left of him, who was trying hard not to cry.
He said some of the most amazing things to me, but most of it is a blur as I tried to figure out what was happening. It wasn't until he was on his knee that I fully understood what was happening and the tears started.
He had just watched me go through the worst thing that had ever happened to me. The most pain I've ever been in. Probably be the worst person I've ever been. And he still wanted to marry me.
We've had our share of ups and downs this past year. We've suffered two more miscarriages since then. But we have weathered the storms together. It's not always fun and it's not always glamorous, but it is always supportive and always worth it.
From that day last year to today to many more Thanksgivings to come, I choose Nick. I choose to continue saying yes every day, even when I'm drugged up, even when I'm going through the ugly parts of life, even when things aren't the best.
Here's hoping to getting some answers. Having a healthy pregnancy. And eventually having a positive story out of all this!
Have a beautiful week. And Happy Thanksgiving!
With love and wellness,
This week, really this month, has been a rough one. From all the personal stuff Nick and I have been dealing with, waiting for our test results (which are in my patient portal, but I haven't heard from the doc yet about what it all means), to wondering about trying again to making changes in our professional lives, it's been tough.
And to add to it, we found out last weekend that Nick's aunt Jackie passed away. I didn't know her long, but from what I did know of her, she was an amazing woman. She made me feel welcome in the family from moment one. Our first Christmas together, she made me a pug blanket. One that I use often and absolutely love. I mean, I love blankets anyway, but this one was hand made for me. It definitely holds a special place in my heart.
And after going to the viewing and funeral on Friday and Saturday, it was extremely evident how loved she was and how much of an impact she had on people. I couldn't help but feel emotional, and yes, cry, at the outpouring of love for her.
But it also made me think of how short life is. How we take so many things for granted.
Nick's aunt Jackie was only 45 when she passed. She's not that much older than me. It stopped me in my tracks. Because life isn't fair. And we don't get a say in who lives or dies. Which, of course, makes me think of our babies we've lost.
We don't always understand why things happen the way they do. And it's something I've always had issues coming to terms with. If you read my post last week, you know I like to know why. So learning to let go and trust God in everything I do and not knowing why has been really difficult.
I find when I'm stressing about the way things are going (or not going), it's because I'm trying to control them. And I do an awful job at it! But when I let go and learn to let Him take control, I'm usually at peace and everything "falls" into place...or at least it feels like it does.
So that's what I've been doing. Or trying my best to do.
I don't know why we keep having miscarriages. I don't know if there will be anything we can do to "fix" it, or stop it from happening. But I do know that God is capable of things we can't even comprehend. So I pray and I put my trust in Him. In His timing, all will be right.
I hope you all have a beautiful week. And I pray for peace and strength for Jackie's family and friends, and for Nick. My adoring husband, Nick.
I love you all.
With love and wellness,
So for those of you who know me, I was an investigator in my previous life. But even without that, I've always been naturally inquisitive.
I've always asked "why" with everything. Seriously...just ask my mom. I'm pretty sure she hated that word when I was growing up!
I always wanted to know. I wanted to know the "why" behind everything. I couldn't accept the "just because" answer, or whatever lame response I would get. It's almost like I needed to know the answers. I had to know everything.
It's one of the reasons why I didn't rest after everything happened with my ex-husband in 2017. I kept asking questions. I kept digging. I kept looking for more. Because I knew there WAS more.
But I digress.
This isn't about the craziness that happened to me then. It's about what I'm going through now.
After having three miscarriages in a row where the baby stopped growing at 7 weeks, I wanted to know why. Yes, I get that we may never know the exact reason, but at this point, I saw a pattern. There was something more going on and I wanted to know what it was.
Google became my best friend. I searched for the silliest things, but it led me to things I never would have thought to ask my doctor about.
For instance, the MTHFR gene and that the mutation of this gene could cause recurrent early miscarriages. And by learning about this and talking to my mom about it, I learned that my mom has an MTHFR mutation. And surprise surprise, this is genetic!
So I talked to my doctor about it and she agreed. So we are testing for it! We are in the waiting period now, but it makes me feel better knowing that we are at least DOING something, anything, to find answers. Or at least to rule things out.
I also asked if there were any immunological or blood clotting disorders that could be causing our miscarriages. But our doc already tested for those and we're good there. Thankfully. The doc also tested my thyroid levels and they came back well within the normal ranges.
So we're doing something...we're taking action. I'm not just sitting back, waiting for the next pregnancy or the next, God forbid, miscarriage. If there's something going on and there's a fix for it, I want to know. I NEED to know.
I do my research. I look for what could possibly be causing the miscarriages. I look for answers. Not just with this, but with everything in my life. Nick thinks I'm a little crazy, but I like to know things. I can't help it...that's just me.
I'm also taking additional supplements to help with my egg quality, since that's the only thing that came back with the initial fertility testing. I'm doing all I can to get answers, to get us our baby. I'm ready to be a momma (above and beyond my bonus kiddos)!
And one last thing...my doc recommended mini stimulation IVF. Has anyone had any experience with that? I'd love to hear any success stories (or not)...or really, just hear anything at all about it. It's a lower med IVF procedure that aims to get 4-6 eggs instead of the traditional IVF of 8-15. The eggs would be fertilized with Nick's sperm and then genetically tested to make sure the embryos were good/high quality. Then, if yes, they would be transferred into my uterus. It would be more of a guarantee that our embryo is high quality, thus we wouldn't be concerned with genetic abnormalities.
However, if there is something else going on, I obviously need to know those answers because the same thing would continue happening without any intervention or treatment.
So that's where we are. I want to be as open as I can with our journey and what we're looking at.
I love y'all and appreciate your love and support and prayers.
Have a beautiful week.
With love and wellness,
When I started my business, I thought it would be easy. That I would be successful, getting from Point A to Point B without any issue. I think we are all that naive when starting a business. Or at least I'd like to think I'm not the only one.
I've had my share of road blocks, and I've certainly gone through so much more of the alphabet than just A to B. And goodness knows it is ever changing. What I thought my business would look like isn't necessarily what it looks like now, and that's okay. It's exactly where it needs to be.
The best part of doing my own thing and owning my own business is being able to be flexible and go with the flow of its evolution.
Yes, I have to have a plan, a structure. But I know I can't be stuck on one particular way of doing things, because that may not be the best way to do it.
A lot has changed since I started my business. I've went from health coaching to CrossFit coaching to adding in skincare, then back to health coaching and adding in personal training. I like to call myself a jack of all trades. And now, of course, I've started working at a nanny agency, to allow me more time at home (or working wherever I want) and to be able to work on all my ventures.
Another opportunity has now presented itself to me...a potentially amazing opportunity. I am always in awe at how things fall into place when you start to make the right moves for yourself.
I've felt stuck for awhile, and I'm so happy to be moving forward in the right direction. To know that things are happening for the best for our family.
Yes, we have our hard times, both in life and in business, but that's life. Without the bad times, we wouldn't be able to appreciate all the good times we have.
We're still under construction, and we still have so much growing to do. But I am so thankful to be able to do it with Nick by my side. So many great things are happening for us!
Keep on watching because amazing things are on the horizon! Or better yet, link arms with us and let's make it happen together!
I love y'all! And am so thankful for your love and support! Have a beautiful week!
With love and wellness,