I watched a movie last week about infertility. A couple had been trying on their own for two years to have a baby, only to be unsuccessful. Month after month, negative pregnancy test. The woman feeling like a failure. Like there was no hope. 

And it brought me back. Oh, how quickly it brought me back. 

There were a couple lines in the movie that I said...that I could have written. One is that I didn't feel ready to try IVF. I didn't feel like I was there yet. And the other was that I felt like a failure...that I couldn't do the one thing I should be able to do as a woman. 

For those new to my blog, Nick and I struggled with infertility and miscarriages for two years before finally getting pregnant. We had six miscarriages, to be exact. With the last one being at 16 weeks with our daughter Kynsleigh in May 2020. 

With each miscarriage, my fears and anxiety grew worse. We thought one or two were by chance. When it continued to happen, we knew there was something more.

I was terrified each time I took a pregnancy test. I didn't want it to be negative, but I also didn't want it to be positive. I didn't know if I could handle another positive, only to have my body fail me, yet again. 

We finally went and saw a fertility specialist and underwent every test under the sun (or so it felt like). I mean, I was healthy. I worked out. I ate well. I managed my stress as best I could. I didn't think there was a reason I couldn't get pregnant...or stay pregnant. But alas, we kept losing baby after baby. It was so disheartening. 

I hated pregnancy announcements. Not because I wasn't happy for my friends and family, but because I was so sad for me and Nick. We wanted to grow our family, but it seemed like the odds were against us. We watched too many of our babies pass away on ultrasounds in weeks 8 and 9 of our pregnancies. 

When I got pregnant with Kynsleigh, I was terrified, but hopeful. I told Nick I didn't want to see the fertility specialist and have weekly ultrasounds. I couldn't stand the thought of watching another baby pass away on an ultrasound. 

So we waited. And I acted like a "regular" pregnant patient and called a local OB/gyn to make an appointment. We had to retell our history and provide all the medical records, of course, but as far as we knew, everything was healthy. We even made it through the first trimester! 

It was at that point I started to allow myself to hope. To believe that we would have our miracle baby. To start a baby registry and to start dreaming about adding a beautiful baby girl to our family. 

But I was still scared. My blood pressure would be higher with each appointment and ultrasound. My anxiety would be so high, wondering if this appointment would be the one where we got bad news. On the outside, I looked fine...I acted fine...I acted like I wasn't scared. 

But that was not the case, at all. 

At our 15 week appointment, we learned there may be heart defects with our sweet girl. They referred us back to EVMS, where we had been seeing our fertility specialist. And sure enough, Kynsleigh had severe heart defects and she passed at 16 weeks. 

A lot of that time period is a blur to me, but I know I leaned hard on God and on Nick. But I also blamed God and asked Why Me an awful lot. Why did this keep happening to me? 

I did a lot of research, I read a lot of books and blogs and studies. I had to know why we kept going through this. I had all the test results and everything was "normal," but for one thing...of course, the most important thing. My egg quality and quantity was low.

It was so hard. It was so hard not knowing if I was ever going to be able to have a baby. If we were ever going to get pregnant. If we'd ever have our own baby. 

I spent the next several months after losing Kynsleigh healing my body, my mind, and my heart. I prayed, a lot. I took care of myself without focusing too much on getting pregnant. I stopped tracking my daily temperatures and worrying about whether I was pregnant or not. We knew we wanted it and that it would eventually, somehow, happen. But I knew I couldn't dwell on it. I couldn't stress over it. 

Eventually, Nick and I started talking about trying again on our own or working with an IVF specialist. We started the process shortly after losing Kynsleigh...and by starting, I mean I called the clinics and got information, but then cancelled the initial appointment before it even happened. I don't think my heart was ready yet. 

It wasn't until several months later that we determined we were ready to try. They, of course, got all our records, but ran all the tests, again. Same results as before, but this time, they told me my right ovary was smaller than my left and probably never ovulated. That was a huge piece of information we'd never had before. 

The clinic told us we could try again on our own but with their help and medications, or we could try IVF. We decided we had been trying on our own unsuccessfully for so long that we should try something new, something different. So we started IVF. 

To make a long story short, the fertility doc stopped our first cycle before we even got to the release of the eggs. This was in the beginning of December 2020. They told us to call back after I started my next period and we would start the cycle all over again. 

But Nick and I talked about it, and I just needed a break. I couldn't go through with another cycle, not yet. It was so stressful the first time, with all the shots and pills and medications and the timing of everything. I didn't want to have to go through it all again...not yet. 

And the stress relief I felt, although I was disappointed we weren't pregnant, was tremendous. I felt so much lighter than I had in months. We had made a decision that felt right for us and I could finally relax. I didn't realize how stressed I'd been through it all until that moment. 

As I look back at my journal from that time frame, I wrote several times how amazing it would be if we got pregnant and had our miracle baby from God without having to go through another cycle of IVF. I allowed myself to dream and to hope. But I didn't let my expectations get too high or too out of control. It was just a dream and I waited for my period. 

But it never came. I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms. I wasn't nauseous. I wasn't insanely tired, my boobs didn't hurt, nothing. All the symptoms I'd had before were non-existent. I didn't think I was pregnant at all, despite not having a period. In fact, Nick made me take a pregnancy test. I was just going to continue living in blissful ignorance. 

Imagine my surprise when we got a positive...and a strong positive, for that matter...late on a Saturday afternoon. I was shocked. 

I didn't know if I would be able to enjoy this pregnancy. If I would be able to relax. The biggest thing for me that helped was praying and knowing that all I could do was my best to control what little I could and that everything else was in God's hands. Whatever was going to happen was already destined and all I could do was go along for the ride. 

Truthfully, it's the only thing that helped me maintain my sanity. I had my freak out moments, don't get me wrong. And I had my moments...the ones where I would be just fine if we made it to....through the first trimester. Through the anatomy scan. Into the third trimester. Feeling baby move consistently. And yes, using our at home doppler to get a sanity check. 

Pregnancy after infertility and suffering through so many miscarriages is really hard. It's scary and there's no guarantee of anything going well or right. Shoot, there's no guarantee of much of anything these days. 

All I knew is that we had prayed for a miracle...and we have been living one since December 26, 2020. Hope, faith, and prayers have gotten us this far. And in a few short weeks, I hope to be holding our little miracle in my arms with tears streaming down my face.

I know starting the IVF cycle and having the extra supplements and medications helped us get where we are. I also know God had His hand in it, 100%.

And I'm not saying in any way, shape, or form, that you should just continue hoping and praying and you'll eventually get pregnant. I know it's not that simple. I've lived it. And if you're experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss, please know my heart goes out to you. I know exactly where you are, what you're feeling, how hopeless it all feels. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

The one piece of advice I can give you is to listen to your intuition. Don't let the doctors bully you into anything you don't want to do or aren't ready to do (my fertility doc immediately sent us potential egg donors and I broke down crying...I certainly wasn't ready for that). Do what feels right for you...what you think is right for your family. 

I'm here if you have any questions or just want to talk. I promise, you aren't alone. So many women have lived through this experience. It is heart breaking, gut wrenching, and awful...and it's something you'll never "get over." It's something that lives inside you and changes who you are. 

I love you and I pray for each of you. If there's something specific you'd like me to pray for, please message me. I'd love to add another prayer to my list for you. 

With love and wellness,
​Whitney

I struggled with what to write this week. I've been exhausted, in every sense of the word. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I feel like I'm barely making it through each day. I get the minimum done and then I want to spend the rest of the day sitting on the couch. It makes me feel like a lazy ass. 

Then again, I also know I need the rest. It's a double edged sword. 

I want to get things done...I know I have things to do. But I don't want to do any of them. Worse, I don't have the mental capacity to do any of them. 

I think back when I used to run from thing to thing with all the energy in the world and I wonder how I did it all. How I managed to fit it all in, still sleep at night, still want to workout, and managed to get everything done and then some. 

I know, I know...I wasn't pregnant then. But dang. I feel like such a slacker right now! 

I guess the biggest thing for me, and really, the hardest thing for me is to give myself grace. To realize that resting and allowing myself to relax is exactly what I need right now. That it's okay to not cram everything into one day. That everything will get done, even if it's only one or two things at a time. 

For instance, I've felt like we weren't ready in the baby's room. I know what needs to be done, but I just kept putting it off. Thankfully, I have Nick to help me with things, especially when he knows I'm stressed and exhausted. 

He came home from work yesterday after knowing I had an emotional breakdown. I had my feelings hurt and I took it personally. He gave me a big hug and then immediately went into baby boy's room and started hanging up some of the stuff that I have been wanting to do. It's nice having him by my side and supporting me, even through my down times. 

We then ordered some food and he put on my favorite movie to help lift my spirits. All the while, baby boy was moving and grooving in my belly. Boy, does he have some strong kicks. Some of them are intense! 

It's nice to have a supportive partner, one who understands what I need when I'm down and helps to lift up my spirits. One who understands when I'm tired and just needs to relax. One who picks up the extra work when I have nothing left to give. Truly, I thank God for Nick every day. 

This week is another packed week. I was looking at our calendar earlier and getting overwhelmed. But then I realized all I have to do is take it one day at a time. And I will rest when I can. I'll get what needs to be done, done. And everything else can wait. 

I can't run myself into the ground. I won't. And I will be better about giving myself grace. Taking care of what needs to be done without overdoing it. And relying on Nick more the farther along I get. 

Are you in need of giving yourself grace too? Are you being too hard on yourself over something? Allow yourself to know that it's okay to rest...to not push yourself too hard or run yourself into the ground. Without rest, you can overdo it and make yourself sick, thus putting everything on the back burner for a much longer period of time. 

Give yourself grace. Allow yourself to rest. Take the down time. Everything will get done. I promise. 

Enjoy your week. And rest when it's needed! 

With love and wellness,
​Whitney

​For the last month and a half, I did some type of squat every day, until I reached a total of 8,030 squats. Our gym did a challenge to support and raise awareness for Stop Soldier Suicide. Their goal is to drastically reduce military and veteran suicide rates. 

We wanted to raise awareness for this cause, to raise money, as well, and to do something on a physical level to show our support. 

I started out with 178 squats a day, any form. Air squats, front squats, back squats, lunges, wall balls, thrusters. I did a variety of squats over the 45 days. At some point, I raised it to 180 squats a day because I wanted an easier way to count. Then I raised it to 200, because why not? I’d get done quicker. 

One day, I even did 500 squats. Once we started and got into it, I just wanted to be done. Now, don’t get me wrong, I took days off here and there, but for the most part, I squatted every day. I kept a running track daily and then entered my scores weekly, so I knew where I was at any given moment. 

By the end, I knew exactly where I was and how many I had left. I was so over squatting. 

But I realized the reason we did this… to suffer daily and force ourselves to keep moving, even when we didn’t want to. There are people out there who suffer daily internally… who don’t talk about what’s bothering them… who think their problems aren’t worth talking about… who don’t see that they matter… who think they only have one way out. 

I talked about my squats daily. I talked about why I was doing it. What I was raising awareness for. I want people to know there are organizations out there to support you. To be there for you. You aren’t in this alone. 

Stop Soldier Suicide is there for people to reach out to. They provide support for military members and veterans. They provide them and their families with critical resources and support. They help them find their way back to a life worth living. Because their life IS worth living. 

I know I will never stop doing challenges like this. I will always support them when they come up. It’s so important to raise awareness around these topics… some that people don’t always openly talk about. Or are aware of. Or don’t like to think about. 

But they’re there. These issues and concerns. And even one person raising awareness is helpful. Get a whole gym involved and it’s another story. 

Plus, as an added benefit, I helped prepare my body for labor and delivery with all these squats. #WinWin

Please check out Stop Soldier Suicide and do what you can to help. Raise awareness. Donate. Point people to their organization. Talk about it. 

Thank you for supporting my squats over the last month and a half. Thank you for supporting this organization. 

I hope you enjoyed your 4th of July with friends and family. Have an amazing week. 

With love and wellness, 
Whitney 

Okay, so before you all jump in and tell me nobody is ever prepared for pregnancy, labor, childbirth, parenthood, etc., I know this. I've known this. But I feel like I have to get this out before I go crazy. 

On Saturday, I had a mental and emotional breakdown. I woke up fine, went about my morning and early afternoon fine, but then woke up from an attempted nap (thanks, dogs, for nothing) with a very distressed mental state. I just felt... overwhelmed is the best word I have to describe it. 

I felt like I wasn't doing anything right. Like I was so far behind in all the things I had to do. I mean, earlier last week, I realized I was only 10 weeks away from when my doc was talking about inducing me. 10 weeks. Holy schnikes.

​It felt like it had taken forever to get to the third trimester and now here we were...only 10 weeks (or so) out. 

I know that even having the best laid plan means nothing. I mean, let's be real. We had the best laid plans for getting pregnant and having a baby. And that's taken us far longer than we could have ever imagined. 

And we certainly didn't intend to purchase a gym and grow it while simultaneously getting pregnant and growing a baby. To say it has been a lot is the understatement of the year. 

Now, please don't get me wrong. I am incredibly grateful and blessed for all we have. For everything we are working for. But it's still a lot. We have a lot going on. 

I started making my lists of things to do to help keep my brain organized. This helps keep me on track and also helps so I can actually sleep at night. I know finding a pediatrician is important...one Nick and I vibe with and that supports what we want for baby Decker.

I also know having a semblance of a birth plan is important, while also knowing that it most likely won't go according to plan. However, making my wishes known to Nick and the doctors beforehand will help put my mind at ease for when we're in the midst of labor and I can't think straight.

We also have so much left to do in the nursery. When does this nesting thing start I've heard so much about? Cuz really all I ever want to do is lay on the couch and rest. Can you pass me some nesting juju? 

I know it will all get done. I know we'll get everything we need before baby is here. And if we don't, it will still be okay. He'll have the essentials to start. And isn't that the important part? 

On top of all that, I fret over things at the gym...all we have going on, all we want to do, and when I'm out on maternity leave and how things will run. Deep down, I know it will be fine, but I still worry because it's what I do. And talking about it helps me. 

For now, I'm taking it all one day at a time. I have my lists of things to do. And even if I only get one or two things crossed off in a day, at least it's forward progress. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day. 

Yes, I'm excited and blessed for all we have going on and all that is to come...but I'm also nervous and anxious and wondering if I'll be able to handle it all when it does come. So many emotions, all at once. It's a lot. 

So here's to letting it out...letting it go. And letting God. After all, He's the one in control. 

I hope y'all have a blessed and beautiful week. And thanks for letting me vent! 

With love and wellness, 
​Whitney 

​Sometimes it isn’t about the destination… sometimes it’s about the journey. 

On Saturday, we drove down to Nags Head. We had plans to drive on the beach and spend time together as a family exploring, eating out, simply enjoying time together. 

However, it was an overcast, dreary, cold day. And there was a ton of traffic. All over the place. We couldn’t get to Corolla… I’m pretty sure everyone and their brother was trying to get there. And we couldn’t figure out where to find the Oregon Inlet. And when we did, we didn’t have the appropriate permit, which has to be purchased online only and printed out. 

It turned into a bunch of driving around, sightseeing, figuring out what we’ll need to actually drive on the beach. Which we now know, by the way. And, plus side, we now know where to go too!

Now, this could’ve turned into an angry afternoon, full of disappointment and resentment for the day not going as planned. But it didn’t. I wouldn’t let it. 

We spent time together, driving around, seeing all the things. And we know what we’ll need next time and where to go, so we won’t waste any time trying to find it. 

But honestly, I loved the journey more than the destination. Spending time with Nick not sitting in front of our TV or working or doing things around the house. Talking with Malachi and learning about how to play go fish. 

And with the rain and the crazy wind and cooler weather, it was nice to be in the comfortable car together. 

Sometimes I think we get so stuck being focused on the destination that we miss the journey. We miss the fun part. We miss the quality time spent together. We miss the learning part. 

This was a good reminder for me because I’ve been too focused on the destination for awhile now. And I’m missing out on the journey. And the journey is where we learn and grow and enjoy the process. 

Yes, knowing the destination is important. It gives us an end goal and something to shoot for. But without the journey, you may end up at your destination without learning anything or growing or becoming who you’re supposed to be. 

So I’m going to take a step back and remember the journey. I’m going to focus on the small parts of the whole to get us where we ultimately want to be. And hopefully, this will help the overwhelming feeling I’ve been having. 

I’ve been trying to do ALL the things instead of doing one thing at a time. And it’s been super stressful and unproductive. 

So here’s to the journey. To the small steps. 

What about you? Are you too focused on the destination and missing out on the journey? 

Have a beautiful week. And remember to enjoy the journey! 

With love and wellness,
Whitney 

I used to have a really great morning routine. It set my mind right to head into the day with a strong mindset and knowing what was on my plate for that day.

But somewhere along the line, I lost that routine. Now I spend my mornings surfing social media (how many of us are guilty of this?) and getting morning snuggles on the couch with the pups while I drink my tea. 

Now, don't get me wrong...I love my morning snuggles with the pups and it's certainly not a bad way to start the morning. But it doesn't set me up for success when I blindly go into the day not knowing what's on my plate or getting my mind right to start the day. 

And I've noticed this has made a difference in how my days go. And I say this because I've noticed I don't get done what I need (or want) to get done in my days. 

And yes, I know...this could also very well be caused by my pregnancy and not having the energy I used to (that whole "you get your energy back in the 2nd trimester is a LIE," by the way). I find that I can get through the day at the gym, because I'm moving and coaching and don't have time to think about how tired I am. But as soon as I get home and eat, shower, and get into comfy clothes, I am done. My brain doesn't work right and all I want to do is lay down and rest/nap. 

And, again, yes, I know...I should use this time to rest while I can. But I also have a ton on my plate that needs to get done before baby is here. It's also quite possible that all the things I have on my plate are overwhelming me. So I have no idea where to start. 

Does anyone else feel this way? You have so much to do but you don't know where to start, so you just put off doing anything? That's been my MO lately. And I can't say I'm a huge fan of it. It's actually bringing me down. 

What I've started doing is the night before, writing a list of things I need to do for the next day. It helps keep me on track and see it all written down. Yes, I have a calendar and I use that to write my to do list. The list gives me an idea where to start, and there's something so satisfying about crossing off things as I do them. 

I'm also going to start my morning routine again this morning. Nothing like a Monday to get back on track (but don't forget, you don't have to wait til Monday to start!). 

No, I'm not going to over-do it. Yes, I'm going to build rest and relaxation into my schedule. But I have to get back on track in these last few months of pregnancy before baby is here. Not only for my sanity, but to ensure our business stays on track and to ensure we get everything done and ready for baby. 

We're heading into the third trimester this week, which is CRAZY to me, so now is the time to get his nursery ready, find a pediatrician (anyone have any good recommendations in Chesapeake?), and ensure we're as ready as we can be for delivery and bringing him home. Getting my bag and his bag ready...goodness. It seems like so much. 

But I will get it all done. There's no other alternative, right? 

What is your routine to help you stay on track? Or better yet, what are your tips for when you're overwhelmed and you get out of your routine? How do you get back on track? I'd love all your tips, because I know we all need all the help we can get! 

Love y'all! Have a beautiful week. And hopefully stay on track (or as much as you can!). 

With love and wellness,
​Whitney

​As I sit here reflecting on the last several years of the Murph workout, I realized I haven’t actually done it in an Rx capacity in quite awhile. 

Two years ago, I was in the midst of a miscarriage but didn’t want to admit it to myself or to anyone else. Yet I still did the workout. I pushed through it. Knowing that not everyone is lucky enough to continue working out or to even be here to participate. 

Last year, I was recovering from birthing Kynsleigh. I didn’t do the workout, although I was there to support Nick as he did it. I wanted to do it but knew I needed to heal my body, my mind, and my emotions. 

And this year... well, this year I am 6 months pregnant. And I plan on doing Murph this year. Not Rx. Not even close. But I’m still going to be out there, supporting my gym and the community and completing a workout to honor Murph and all those who never made it home. 

Admittedly, before starting CrossFit, I didn’t know who Lieutenant Michael Murphy was. I didn’t know who a lot of the military personnel who lost their lives fighting for our freedom were. 

There are so many hero workouts... too many hero workouts. And whenever I coach them, whenever I tell their stories, I tear up. It hits me in the feels. And as I’m working out in their honor, I remember their stories. And I know why I’m working out. To honor them. To remember them. To feel alive as I’m here, thankful for their service and their sacrifice. 

Yes, this year will look different. I’m not going to do it Rx. I’m not going to do it at 100% effort. But I will still be out there, working out alongside everyone else. 

My plan for this year is to get out there and move. As written, the workout is a 1 mile run, 100 pull-ups, 200 pushups, 300 air squats, 1 mile run. Normally, I break up the 100-200-300 into 20 rounds of 5 pull-ups, 10 pushups, 15 air squats. 

Well, this year, it will look a little different. Running no longer feels that great for me. And I don’t want to row or bike because I want to be outside. I want to move with everyone else. So I plan to do a sled drag. A light weight and most likely 600-800m. Nothing overly strenuous or taxing but enough to get me moving. 

I will most likely still do the 20 rounds but will do either ring rows or barbell pull-ups, high box pushups because I now cone and my belly hits the floor before my chest, and regular air squats. Thankfully, I can still do those okay, but I have to watch my lower back and focus on tucking my pelvis under. 

I knew pregnancy changed your body and there would be a lot of modifications. But it’s totally different actually experiencing and living it. 

Some days, I feel great. While others, everything feels off and there’s no way I’m moving fast or doing what the workout calls for. I change the rep scheme. I don’t workout for time. I do skill or accessory work. All I care about right now is staying health and fit for baby boy. And getting up and getting moving, regardless of how that looks these days, is all that matters to me. 

Yes, the rep scheme is high for Murph. We’ve been doing Murph prep Mondays at our gym for the last month. I know when to slow down and when to take it easy. And I’ll play it by ear. If I can no longer continue moving safely or feel off, I will cut it short. The most important part is that I’m out there honoring Murph. 

Please remember that today. It doesn’t matter if you Rx it, if you changed the movements or lowered the reps; all that matters is that you’re out there, giving it your all and honoring Murph. 

Just remember, all it is is another workout. All you can do is one rep at a time. 

Remember all those who never made it home today. All those who aren’t able to workout. Who aren’t here to be with their families. Enjoy the day but remember and honor them. Remember why we have this day. 

With love and wellness,
Whitney